She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
