Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
