spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
