I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I understand Curling. That high.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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