Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.