Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
