We're facebook friends in real life
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
