i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
