I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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