Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
