Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
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Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
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Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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