oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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