Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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