What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
jump out the window naked night went bad
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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