meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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