I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
