dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
