Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
