my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
