I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
