the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
