drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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