then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
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He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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