my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The adults are the big ones right?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
