Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza