masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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