Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
