Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
