She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
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I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize