Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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