My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
