i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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