My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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