i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
