Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
