What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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