Will you blow on my dice?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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