And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
