No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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