Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She told me I should be a condom model.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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