U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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