First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
