TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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