I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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