I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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