I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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