someone get that fucking seahorse.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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