I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
