life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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