Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
