There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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