And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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