Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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